Monday, November 26, 2007

I'll be Tased for Christmas

christmas taserConsumer Sheep everywhere rejoice: Calls from Amnesty International for a moratorium on taser use and United Nations condemnation of taser use as torture have spawned a “news” article that attempts to minimize the effect of taser electroshock and cuddly ads on Taser's website marketing Tasers for Christmas.

Breitbart features a Nov. 24 article from Antoine di Zazzo, who claims to have been tasered more than 50 times and never felt worse for the ordeal. "You cannot call it real pain," he said. "I just found that time was infinitely long." Biased testimonial? Noooo. He's chief of Taser France, who's also developing a miniature flying-saucer-like drone which could fire Taser stun rounds on criminal suspects or rioting crowds (no mention of drunk waitresses, your grandmother, disoriented Polish nationals, or folks who refuse to sign traffic tickets). He expects it to be launched next year and to be sold internationally by Taser. In other words, he has a huge financial interest in convincing you that tasers are wonderful things. I'm calling BS on his 50-plus hits- no documentation. I'd like to see some fact-checking from Breitbart.

Three frames of a rotating ad banner on Taser's site sell the warm fuzzies of electroshock. One features a glowering Santa Claus studying his “Naughty” list and asks “What does Santa bring you when YOU have been GOOD but the WORLD is getting BAD?” Another, designed to tug your familial heartstrings, lays simulated polaroids of a happy dad giving his son a piggyback ride and a blindingly white blond woman nuzzling her newborn on a background image of a lonely airport waiting area. Both are ads for the Taser ® C2, the low-power consumer version of the weapon, molded in a selection of smooth metallic pastels to fit a smaller hand. A third announces a charity poker tournament, complete with Playboy Playmates, to raise funds for the families of fallen law enforcement officers.

I'm not sold yet. I'm waiting until Taser runs seasonal specials like Google decorates their title banner for each holiday. I want to see baby Jesus in the manger packing Taser heat he got from the Three Wise Arms Dealers to protect himself and his mom from Herod's minions. I want to see white, yellow, and orange candy corn tasers for halloween. I want a taser with Miami-style flamingo and teal colored handle that smells like cocoa butter tanning lotion for spring break. I want a pink and white Hello Kitty ® taser with rhinestones and the logo on the handle. Hell, I want a taser cell phone with camera, GPS, and 20 gigs of storage for my favorite tunes. How stupid does Taser think we are?